A railwayana auction telephone bid [as imagined from my seat]

“Hello, the lot you wanted to bid on is coming up now, so please hold the line.”

“Hello.”

“We are approaching the lot you wanted to bid on, so please make your bids as quickly as possible. I will tell you the current asking price each time and if you could simply say yes or no straight away when I do, then we won’t be left with a hall full of people sitting around twiddling their thumbs for any length of time.”

“I’ve got that, just yes or no each time.”

“That’s it”

“What’s the first bid, then?”

“Wait a second, please. It’s just coming up.”

“Have I just got time to get a pen and the catalogue?”

“No, it’s here now.”

“Where’s that pen, dear? It was just on here.”

“210?”

“210?..... It’s over there somewhere. Have a look on the chair.”

“210 is being asked for. Do you want it at 210?”

“I can’t, I’m on the phone. Just pass me the pen and a piece of paper.”

“Hello, the current asking price is 210. Do you want it at that price?”

“Yes.”

“Did you put the kettle on?”

“230?”

“230?”

“230 is being asked for. Do you want it at 230?”

“Yes, I would, please - and just one biscuit.”

“Hello, 230?”

“A Bourbon.”

“Do you want it at 230?”

“230, yes.”

“Have you found that catalogue, yet?”

“250?”

“Is it my turn again?”

“Yes, do you want to pay 250 for it?”

“Have a look on the kitchen table. I’m still on the phone.”

“Hello, 250?”

“250? Yes.”

“270?”

“How can I? I’m on the phone. Try the cupboard.”

“Hello. It’s with you at 270.”

“I only wanted to go to 260.”

“Well are you prepared to offer 270?”

“Yes. OK, that’s only an extra tenner after all. What’s the buyer’s premium, again?”

“10% plus VAT. It’s all in the catalogue.”

“I can’t lay my hands on it. So that would be about 300 already, then?”

“Yes, thereabouts. Do you want it at 270?”

“Ok, just one more go.”

“290?”

“290?”

“Yes, it’s at 290. Will you bid 290?”

“That’s more than I thought…………………………………… She says its 290, that’s a lot when you’ve added the other stuff………………….. I know I did…………………… I’ll just have to tell her no…...................... Hello? I’m going to have to say no. I thought it would be about 250.”

“So, no bid at 290?”

“Well, maybe just one more.”

“290 then?”

“Yes.”

“310?”

“310……………She said 310…………... I know I did………….…..I already said so……….….. that’s what I said …………….I’m not going to……………………….That’s too much. I thought it would go for much less than that.”

“So, no bid at 310?”

“Not this time, thank you, but I’ve got another one coming up later. When would that be, then, because I’ve got to just nip out to the shops in the mean time? I’ll just slip and find that catalogue and then I’ll tell you what number the next lot is.……………………..…..                        Hello……………….Hello………..… Are you still there?...... I think they’ve rung off. Would you believe it? Sometimes I just don’t think they want your money at all………… No, I said a Bourbon.”